


There's Beans in Here

by Fictropes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Silly, chapter 2: now dan is off his tits x, humour (or an attempt), phil is off his tits x, wisdom tooth removal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:26:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27155183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictropes/pseuds/Fictropes
Summary: Phil has his wisdom teeth removed; Phil says many questionable things.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 51
Kudos: 178





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is essentially a crackfic at this point

“Right, right. Yeah. I’ll make sure he doesn’t eat anything.” Dan promises for the fifth time— Phil sat in the dentists chair demanding beans. 

“You can’t eat beans, you don’t even fucking like beans.” Convincing Phil of anything normally is hard enough, off his tits on whatever they’ve given him for wisdom tooth removal is an entirely different story. 

“No. I love beans.” Phil whines, sounding close to tears. “They’re so— beany. How could you even say that? I love them so much.” 

And god he wishes he hadn’t let his phone die on the way here, this is prime blackmail material and now no one will ever believe him. 

“You can have beans tomorrow?” Dan tries, only to be met by a thrash of the head so violent it makes the seat he’s in jiggle. “Jesus. Today, you can have them today.” And it’s only to placate him— he’ll forget by the time they’re back in the flat.

“Thankyou—“ Phil looks up, suddenly all wide eyed and— honestly a bit suspicious. “You’re taking me home?”

  
  
“Yeah, bud.” 

“But Dan’s taking me home.”

  
  
“I’m Dan.”  


“No.” 

  
  
“Mhm.” 

  
  
“Dan is.. Dan’s—“ He makes a vague hand gesture that could quite easily mean anything— gets angry when Dan doesn’t realise it means come closer. 

“What?” Dan asks, does as he’s told and crouches down so Phil can whisper this big huge secret.

“Dan is grumpier than you, he wouldn’t have let me have beans.” He tells him, shifty eyed like the real Dan is going to appear at any second and ban him from the apparent food love of his life. 

“Oh? What else?” Because he’s got to, it’s the only chance he’ll ever get.

“You’re just.. very pretty, too pretty. I don’t think Dan wants me to go home with someone _you_ pretty. He’s kinda jealous, not as bad as.. used to be, don't think. Close your eyes.” Phil suddenly demands, and it’s such a random request that Dan immediately complies.

“Er— Right. How long for?” 

“Just give me.. just— ok, you can open them now.” When Dan opens them it’s to a Phil who’s pushed his hair back into a perfect quiff, who’s removed his glasses— fucking opened a button on his shirt. 

“Tarting yourself up for me, Lester?” He doesn’t know how to feel, honestly. 

“No!” A bit of dribble comes out then, takes away the whole sexy vibe he’d been going for. “Just— wanted to feel like ‘m not a bridge troll.” 

“Yeah-huh.” Dan smiles, and how he feels is ridiculously fond. It’s like the first time they met, when Dan saw Phil before he saw Dan—watched him preen himself on the front camera of his phone.

“What’s your name?”

  
  
“Still Dan.” 

“Oh. I know a Dan, he’s pretty. I love him so much, have you seen him?” He’s all half teary again, but this time over the _actual_ love of his life. 

“I’ve seen him around, yeah.” Dan resists the urge to lean in for the worlds messiest kiss— all dribble and cotton wool.

“Can you go get him? Tell him the dentist said i’m definitely allowed beans.” It’s all slurred- like every sentence has been up to now - and if it were anyone but Dan he’s sure every word would’ve gone misunderstood. Eleven years of livingin each others pockets means you can decode everything, apparently. 

-

“Hey, you.” Dan had left the room, re-entered thirty seconds later because Phil point-blank refused to believe it was him. Even when Dan leaned in for a kiss, he’d gasped and pulled back— _i’m a nearly married man!_

“Dan!” He seems to actually recognise him this time, all this delight on his face that honestly makes Dan’s heart go a bit wild— slam against his rib cage like it’s 19th October 2009 all over again. “C’mere. Let me see you. I missed you. Did you know i’m allowed beans?”

“So i’ve been told.” Dan snorts, thinking he might genuinely have to lock Phil up in their bedroom for a week— or stick a tin of beans in a blender. 

“By the guy?”

  
  
“The guy?”

  
  
“The not Dan guy who kept saying he was Dan! He was— he tried to kiss me. I said nope, nope, nope. I have a Dan who is mine and I love him, only want one Dan.” He tips his head to the side, and it’d honestly be rude not to press a kiss to his swollen cheek. 

“Good to know it’s been eleven years and you’re still not tempted away.” He’s joking— mainly. “Ready to go home?” 

“Er— yeah. Are Ron and Harry downstairs?” Phil asks, as straight faced as you can be when you’ve had two teeth removed and look like a chipmunk. 

“Come again?” Dan asks, ignoring the way Phil is tugging on his hand in a sign of _help me up_. He can’t move from this room until Phil tells him what the fuck he thinks is going to happen when they get downstairs.

“You know with the— the flying car. So we can get back to Hogwarts. I don’t wanna take the train today, think running through a wall would hurt my face.” He sounds proper upset by it, like he can’t believe he’s got to risk being seen in a flying car. 

“Oh. Right. Sure?” Dan wants this on film, he wants it on a goddamn loop in his brain for the rest of time. “They’re just waiting downstairs. We’re going to have to squeeze in the back, that alright?”

“Yeah— I suppose.” Phil sighs, then lights up when he realises the _connotations._ “So we get to be squished together? Wanna sit on my lap?” He manages the perfect eyebrow wiggle, something he _can’t_ do when not pumped full of fun gas. 

“Dunno. Wouldn’t wanna make out in front of Ron and Harry.”

“Why? They’re like.. they get it. They’re gay.” Phil tugs harder, nearly pulls Dan’s shoulder out of socket— a man eager to make out, clearly.

“They’re gay, are they?” Dan asks as he heaves Phil up onto his feet, makes sure he’s steady before holding straight back onto him anyway. 

“Yeah.” Phil asks, like Dan is properly stupid for even asking. “They’ve been— Dan we know that.” 

  
  
“Sorry, must’ve slipped my mind.. what with all the bean talk.” 

“Beans! Do you think they’ll have some?” He shouldn’t have mentioned it, Phil had blissfully forgotten and now the saga was about to begin all over again. 

“I think they can probably magic some up.” 

“I can, too! Where’s my wand—“ He dives into his jean pocket and Dan has a giggle at the thought of _is that a wand in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me._

“Hey, stop it.” He grabs onto Phil’s hand, stops him from furiously searching through every pocket on his person. “We left it at home, weren’t allowed to bring it here.” 

“Oh.” Phil frowns. “So.. I still have to waitfor the beans?”

  
  
“Yeah, you have to wait for the beans.” 


	2. There's Phil in Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan has his wisdom teeth removed; Dan says some questionable things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cos.. obvs needed 2 do a dan version

He looks shellshocked which— fair enough, he’d just had three teeth removed from his skull. 

“Oh my god.” Dan whispers, trying to be subtle. Apart from it’s really not subtle at all, the whisper is more a loud slur complete with dribble down his chin.

“Look at you, pretty as ever.” Phil teases— though he does actually mean it, Dan’s pretty to him constantly. He never tires of looking at that face.

Speaking of that face, it’s violently red— the rosy patch on his cheek looks near to exploding all together.

“You’re amazing Phil.” He finally gets out, around a mouthful of cotton wool. “What the fuck.”

  
  
“I mean, yeah. Who else were you expecting to take you home?” He laughs, gets a bit closer so he can do the gentlemanly thing of mopping up Dan’s spit slick chin. 

Dan just stares a him wide eyed— eyebrows basically up in his hair. “But, you— why are you here?”

Phil just pauses, gives him a look— tries to work out if Dan’s joking or not. 

He’s not. 

“Dan..”

  
  
“You know my name? What the fuck.” He repeats. “You saw my tweets? You came— you came to make sure I was ok?” He sounds on the edge of tears, and Phil thinks he’s going to have a right nightmare on his hands until the anaesthesia wears off. 

  
  
“I saw your tweets eleven years ago, Dan.” He rakes a hand through his curls, settles them into something a bit neater. “How old do you think you are?”  


“I’m eighteen, I think. Nearly. Eighteen, yeah, eighteen.” He answers, absolutely no hesitation. He’s a bit preoccupied with the way Phil is touching him— goes a bit cross eyed trying to see.

“Chirst.” Phil mutters, hopes it’s just a temporary thing because he can’t cope with an eighteen year old twenty nine year old fawning all over him (Well he can, for a bit, just not forever). “Wait here.” He tells him, not that he has a choice. 

-

It’s temporary, apparently. The dentist assured him once the anaesthesia wore off Dan would be his usual menace-self. Which means Phil can have a _little_ bit of fun. 

“Oh! You’re back.” Dan beams, which is quite the sight what with all the.. mouth stuff going on. “Thought i’d dreamt it.” 

“Of course i’m back.”

  
  
“You look different. Wh-why’s the.. quiff?” He sounds whiny— pout and everything. “Wanted to see your emo hair in real life. Wanted to see if it was— was as soft as I ‘fink.” 

“You wanted to run your hands through my hair? Bold.” Phil watches as Dan realises he’d said the words out loud— back to the tomato cheeks. 

“No! Maybe. Shu’p. Lemme— stop looking. Need to do something. You look too good— not fair.” Phil turns around, does as he’s told just out curiosity. Just to see what Dan has planned. 

He doubts he had a little scream planned, but that’s what Phil gets. “Why’s my hair curly?” 

Phil turns around to him desperately trying to straighten it between his fingers, getting more and more frustrated when it just springs back into those perfect waves. “You weren’t— promise you’ll forget. Never wanted you to see me like this, like a fuckin’ poodle.” 

“Dan.” Phil interrupts, because he’s going to rip all his hair out if he keeps on going. “I love the curls, i’m glad you have them. You’re always gorgeous, but they really.. they work for me. A lot.”

“I’m— you said eleven years.” Dan suddenly looks incredibly suspicious, which is quite impressive with numb cheeks. 

“Your short term memory works just fine, then.” Phil drags a stool over, thinks he should be sitting down for this one. “Yeah, you’re twenty-nine. We’ve been together for eleven years. I’ve seen you with straight hair, curly hair, wearing wigs. All the hairs.” 

Phil thinks that’ll sort it, Dan will stop with all the dramatics and just accept that this is their life. It does the opposite, now Dan’s properly crying— all wet, all snot, all dribble and cotton wool struggling to stay in his hamster cheeks. 

Phil’s at a bit of a loss about what to do— apart from wildly flapping his hands in front of Dans face and hope that somehow stops it.

“I’ve forgotten.. i’ve, Phil. We’re in love and i’ve forgotten all of it.” He sobs, scrubbing at his eyes with his fists. “I love you but— but I forgot.”

“Hey, hey, hey.” Phil tries to sooth, pulls Dan’s hands away from his face so he can hold them. “Don’t be silly. Of course you’ve not forgotten."

  
  
“I haven't? You can fix it?” Dan asks, laser focused on Phil who is going to have to give one hell of an answer to stop the hysterics. 

“Yeah— yeah, course. Time travel and all that.” He jokes, but he really should've known better than to laugh about such things.

  
  
“That exists now? What the fuck.” Dan gasps, “you’re like doctor who?”

  
  
“Yeah.” Phil answers, trying so desperately hard to keep a straight face— nearly chokes when he attempts to swallow down a laugh. “Exactly.”

  
  
“You can go back and show me— me all the things. All our memories?” Dan asks, and Phil obviously has to say _yes_ because Dan sounds so goddamn distraught by the entire thing. “Promise?”

“I’ll show you some pictures when we get home, too.” He promises. It seems to placate Dan, he just lounges back in the dentist chair with as much as a smile as he can manage. 

“You love me. Amazing Phil loves me.” He giggles— and Phil could almost believe that he _is_ his 2009 Dan. “Oh my god. Have we..” Dan trails off to make a unmistakable gesture, tongue pushed into the side of his cheek even with all the interference. 

“Yeah.” Phil snorts, enamoured even though he shouldn’t be— even though Dan’s drugged up and his first thought is _have I had your cock in my mouth?_ “We’ve definitely done that, you’ve got a bit of an oral fixation going on.”

  
  
Dan nods solemnly. “I always thought I did.”

“Phil..”

  
  
“Yeah, love?”

  
  
“Am I like— am I happy? Am I ok?”

  
  
“Yeah, Dan. You’re doing great. I’m so proud of you, i’ll tell you all about it when we get home.” Now he’s on the edge of tears— this Dan who still thinks he’s eighteen doesn’t even know just how far he’s come.

“Ok. Our home, cos we live together. I live with Amazing Phil.” 

“I promise these days you just call me Phil.” Phil adds, because it’s oddly jarring to hear it from Dan’s mouth in 2020. 

“But—“ Dan seems angry with himself— brow all scrunched up. “You’re amazing, always gonna be amazing.”

“God. I’m so using that later when you have all your other memories back.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol at me getting all serious at the END. as always lemme know your thoughts<3

**Author's Note:**

> [if you wanna reblog on tumblr! I always appreciate it :) ](https://fictropes.tumblr.com/post/632720979413647360/theres-beans-in-here-complete-1169-phil-has-his)
> 
> ALSO i said fuck JK !!!! hp exists here now and every1 in it is gay<3
> 
> as always... let me know your thoughts (yes even on the nightmare that is this fic)


End file.
